ups n' downs

The other day I called my Aunt and when she picked up the phone I could immediately tell something was wrong with her. You know what I'm talking about? When within just a few minor seconds of hearing a loved ones voice you know something is wrong... So after discovering that she had to put her cat down, I realized where the pain in her voice was coming from. Now one may think, "um it's a cat?" but my Aunt is a HUGE animal lover, and this cat was very important to her. But this really isn't a blog about my Aunt's cat, it's what she said after that really gripped my heart. 

She started telling me how there was another cat that needed a home, but that she didn't want it. And her reasoning was because she didn't want to get close to anything else. She didn't want to love anything that would in turn love her back because it would be taken away from her. How horribly sad is that? Now being a psychology major and also knowing this is a common reaction when people lose something, I was inclined to ponder more about what she said. 

My heart broke for her. I know she has been through a lot in the past year or so but I have had a huge loss as well. Which made me think, why can some people cope with a loss and continue to love, but others shut down not wanting to love at all? I lost my mom and my Aunt lost her sister, which is more devastating than anyone will ever know. But even though I miss my mother terribly everyday I haven't stopped living or loving the people around me. I also chose to fall in love for the first time. So for my Aunt to never want any part of love is so sad. The whole conversation just really got to me, so later that night I was telling my dad about it. He gave me a great analogy that will probably stick with me for the rest of my life.

My dad was given this analogy by a patient of his, who was a heart surgeon. The man compared life to a heart monitor. When a person is living, the lines on the machines are moving up and down, but when a person is dead, the line is flat. I thought this was an excellent description of life. Because it's the ups and downs that keep us alive! We all go through great point in life like graduating school and starting a new beginning or falling in love for the first time, or getting married, or having a baby. But then we all have go through a rough spot, and no one is able to avoid it. Whether it's a job loss, or being badly effected by a recent economy, or divorce, or death of a loved one. It hurts and it can be hard to cope with. But those moments, good and bad, are what keep us alive. If you allow yourself to be so protected that you don't do anything, love anything, care for anything, then you're as good as dead, because your life line is flat. 

Don't be afraid to live. I struggle with worrying about losing the ones I love. Ever since my mom passed, I'm worried to lose someone else. But that doesn't stop me from loving. I'd rather love and embrace life's ups and downs, that never live or love at all. 

Think about it...

time for change...

this isn't going to be a long blog or anything extravagant...

last night at church, the topic was Ezekiel 37, where it talks about the dry bones being able to live. as i stood there during worship and then sat for the word, i became aware that i am dry. and i am so use to messing up, feeling like i can't do anything right, and that i'm stuck this way. but i'm not. THESE DRY BONES CAN LIVE! we are living in a generation that is bogged down with so much JUNK that they can't see that they aren't really living, they are dry and no one seems to care. however they can live, this generation is filled with so much potential. quit judging or just letting the dryness to overcome you, WAKE UP and do something. i know that i have felt and still feel like i'm dry, and that i haven't been praying like i should, i haven't been reading God's word like i should. I should crave him, i should feel incomplete without talking to him or reading his word. it's time for change in my life, and maybe in yours. i want to crave him, i want to be alive again. I AM SICK OF BEING A PILE OF DRY BONES.  the worship song last night said "shout out his name (JESUS), shout out his name (JESUS), and He will run to you!" So go ahead, believe that the dry bones in your school, on your campus, at work, and even your dry bones CAN LIVE, and shout out his name, because there is SO MUCH power in his name! we don't have all the time in the world to make an impact. believe and do something!

He is ALWAYS there

so i was sitting at my computer, and  i was on my boyfriends myspace page, and for the first time i listened to his song, i think it was call "carried me" or "you carried me" by building 429 and i was looking at his background which is a picture of Jesus being pierced with nails and i started to think...

 

some of  the lyrics:

"You carried me 

You carried me 

You carried me through it all 

And I believe 

Yes I believe 

You’ll carry me all the way home

Cause mercy covers all 

I know the scripture 

I’ve known the songs 

I sang the words

from my hollowed heart 

But You’ve spoken softly 

Through the storm 

I’ve heard Your voice 

and I’ve felt the calm 

I stand only because 

You’ve given me faith to walk 

Only because"

can you even imagine the pain Jesus when through for each and every one of us? and yet we go out there and turn our backs on him, or do things that hurt him all the time. when bad things happen, or we don't get our way-He is the first one we blame. when we feel alone or upset or even angry at the world around us, we turn to other things instead of Him, as if he can't do anything to help us. NEWSFLASH-He created us, and He loves us more than anything. it isn't Jesus letting bad things happen to us, and he doesn't leave the scene when things get tough. He suffered on the cross for us, He felt the pain we feel and more because He loves us. we are so quick to blame  Him for all the junk in our lives, when really all we need to do is bring our junk to Him. He wants to help carry our burdens, we were never meant to carry them alone. i know sometimes this is easier said than done, and you might be thinking you've done so much crap or have had so many thing done to you-that you feel like God somehow forgot about you--well He most certainly didn't. He's bent down waiting for you to jump on his back, now that doesn't mean everything will get easier, but it helps to be carried every once in a while.---sometimes we need someone to pick us up when we are down, let God help, and i bet there are some other amazing people in you're life that he has placed there to help you...

lately i've felt completely alone--i had to come home to PA after being away at college and it sucks. after my mom passed, i've felt like this place is no longer my home. down south i have my amazing friends, and the most wonderful boyfriend a girl could ask for. i had to leave all of that to come up here where i feel completely disconnected from everything. i miss my mom and i miss my life in the south. but what i'm going to have to realize, is there is a reason for everything. i'm here this summer because i have to be, so maybe God will be able to use me.

so to summarize my random blog thoughts...
whether you know and have trusted Jesus Christ with your life, or you haven't--either way all of us have those days/weeks/months were we feel completely on our own, disconnected, and lost. we don't always know why we go through the things we do, and we just can't seem to get up after we fall. but the thing is...God knows all of that, and he's right there with us. believe it or not He's willing to get down on His knees-let you hop on His back, and carry you through the hard times. so why not let him? what do you have to lose?

dare to live for him?

finding strength

this is another really random note by me, but most of my notes happen that way because i get bored or have all this stuff build up in my head and i decide to just write it out. sometimes i keep it to myself but other times i write so others can see it because i hope it reaches someone and means something to them. i'm all about giving people hope that they don't think they have...

life is crazy. it's never predictable ever, and thank goodness we have God to help us with all of that. but for those who don't always understand why things have to happen the way they do, i think it's because things have to change. what i mean is...as we get older we move to another level in our lives, most of us just finished our freshman year of college and grew in so many ways, ways we didn't even know were possible. some may feel like they aren't the person they were before and were scared to go home and not have anyone understand. i for one know i was that girl. i went away to college and had such a crazy year. for as much as i feel i lost, i gained some.something i've learned to find is my strength. i've learned that strength comes from deep within. strength comes from faith, a faith in our wonderful savior Jesus Christ that withstands even the hardest times. strength comes from the friends that you thought you lost, but will always have, the ones that seem to always know you and will always be there right when you need them. everybody has strength inside them, even when they think they don't...someone will prove to you that you do. 

don't be afraid of life's changes. don't be afraid to not know exactly where your future is going, that's okay. our future is already taken care of, it's in God's hands. hold on to the little things in life that you can string together to make something beautiful. with everything that comes in goes in your life, hold onto the important things. remember the moments that make you laugh and that make you cry. hold onto the people that love you know matter what. don't let the tough times take over, the sun always comes out after the storm...have faith in that.

thanks to everyone that has been there for me, it means more than you know! and if anyone needs strength--look deep down, and all around you-it's there!

God Bless

dancing with the angels

so it's coming up on two years since my mom passed away and that is just crazy to think. it's been a tough two years, and things are still pretty tough, but i try to take each day as it comes. so much change has happened since then. since her death my home in pittsburgh just hasn't seemed like home. so slowly i have made my home down here in the south. i just feel so at home here. i am now living in an apartment, i am working and have transfered to Samford University. i can't believe all the changes sometimes. i also often wonder if my mom would be proud of me? i would hope so. some may think that because it's been almost a year since her death, i'd be getting better at dealing with it-but it turns out, i'm finally letting myself deal with it. so much reminds me of her. i have good days and bad ones, but i get through all of them...so i guess i've posted this blog (that i've had written for awhile) in memory of her...i love you mom.

moms are one of a kind. i'm sure everyone thinks their mom is the best; better than anyone elses, or maybe not, but i know i did. my mom was the strongest person i knew. no matter what came her way she dealt with it. she was diagnosed with breast cancer when i was just 13 and struggled off and on with various kinds from there. i went through a lot those years, wondering why it was my mom that had to be sick and why couldn't my mom go shopping with me, out to eat, to school events, and things of that nature. surely there was a reason for this...God has the bigger picture, right? that doesn't always help. my mom got really really sick the second half of my senior year, the doctors told her she had liver cancer and it was going to be a tough battle to fight this time. she didn't give up. she kept a smile on her face and tried every chemo known to man just so she could fight to be around for me and my little brother ian, who is now 16. the last couple months i helped take care of my mom a lot and it was something that i never imagine myself doing. who at the age of 18 thought they would take care of their 44 year old mom, not me! but it was in those times i realized what an amazing mother i had. no matter what pain she was going through she smiled and said she would be fine. she showed me strength and courage i'd never seen before. she was loved by everyone, lets face it-my mom had a smile that won people over and a personallity that people couldn't get enough of. i love her!

november 29, 2006 is when my mom passed away. i kinda of knew that day was coming...i'd talked about it with her and let her know that it was okay if she didn't want to do treatment anymore..she'd faught so long. but even tho i knew it was coming--i didn't know how to prepare myself for all the hurt. everyday i miss her--all the little things now seem so big. like calling her to check in, how many of us hate calling our parents to let them know whats up--and then they talk to us forever...i remember complaing...but now i'd give anything to hear her voice again. and hugging her, i wish i could hug he again, or talk to her about all the things that are going on in my life. it's the little things we take for granted that we need to charish while we still have them.

my mom was an amazing person and i can only hope i make her proud and turn out to be a great mom like her. i'll miss her everyday and so will many others...but a word of encouragement to anyone else who is going through something tragic...it will get better. God never gives us anything we can't handle...he puts people in our life that are there to help us get through tough things like this...so hold onto those people and know you can get through it. it's okay to miss the person, it's okay to talk about them a ton, and it's def. okay to cry...

thank you to all my friends who have been by my side and helped me get through this..thanks to my amazing boyfriend who has def. been a blessing as well.

i love you mom, miss you, and will continue to be strong just like you'd want me to be and still praising God!

...one day we can dance with the angels together!

((Joshua 1:9))

passion

my biggest struggle right now is being able to only focus on my struggles instead of realizing that God is bigger than all of them. i yearn to have that passion for God that i once had. i feel like the past couple church services i've been to have had a common theme. it's about loving God with your whole heart. "total reverence" complete passion. not being able to go a day without thinking about Him, talking to Him, praying. and then it hit me and they started to say, "how many of you wouldn't go a day without texting your boyfriend or girlfriend?" that whole concept, it's so true. there isn't a day i don't talk to BJ, i can't stand not to. i hate having to go a day without seeing him. i love him, i really love him. and yet... that's the love i should have for God. it's not that loving BJ is bad or a sin, but when he comes before God, that's a problem. i want my passion for Christ to show and spill over into my relationship with BJ. that's where i am, yearning for my God to hold me, get me though, and to develop that burning passion for him. 

what's your passion, is it Him?

love always...